I was reminded about the tendency of saying ‘yes, but’ during a regular session with my mastermind session with my WordPress Colleagues which continually pushing me out of my comfort zone.
I am really excited to develop this into an article to help you stretch your boundaries.
When I am working with clients I am always hyper conscious of ‘yes, but’ occurring in our conversations, but it is not so easy to recognise in myself and it got me to wondering why that may be.
It seems that the excuse comes almost automatically and without due consideration. This is especially so when the response is so quick that I have hardly given myself a chance to process the meaning of what is being discussed. However, when I really think about the action being suggested there is often a much more emotional basis to my rejection of the idea.
When I am running workshops and ask the group to suggest ideas for each other, I always have a rule that every suggestion must be ‘heard’ and written down. They should then take the list away with them and consider each item separately the next day to decide whether it might actually be something to look into or there is a valid reason to reject it.
So why do we so often have the knee-jerk dismissal to the ideas of others?
While writing these I was astounded by how much they overlap with each other which illustrates in a very real way why we sometimes need to peel back our barriers to new things like onion skins. Each layer seems relatively innocuous in itself, but when layered together the resistance can seem almost impenetrable.
Fear of Change
Change can be tiring and will take effort to initiate so many of us may want to avoid it. We are all creatures of habit to a certain extent and often want to avoid any disruption to our status-quo. After all making change can seem very disruptive to our lives and create uncertainties we often strive to avoid.
Habitual response
Although my job is to listen actively to my clients, I may not always be fully engaged in other conversations. If you are of a more introverted type or just don’t find it easy or interesting to participate in certain situations it is easy to develop certain communication patterns and habits. “Yes, but” may become an automatic response, indicating a lack of active listening or a tendency to dismiss ideas without considering them fully.
Confirmation bias
People tend to have pre-existing beliefs or opinions, and when presented with new information or ideas, they may subconsciously search for reasons to reject or discount them, leading to a “yes, but” response.
I know this seems like a habit, but it is really us trying to keep ourselves safe. After all we are doing ok as we are and are comfortable with our beliefs, so being asked to questions these can feel as though they might have huge consequences.
A personal example is from growing up believing it best to be ‘humble’ – in other words don’t show-off. So I found it very difficult to recognise what I was good at until I learned to take the risk an celebrate my achievements.
If you think about it you will see proof of pre-existing beliefs/opinions demonstrated everywhere from politics and religion to sports and dietary choices.
Think about this for yourself and those you have encountered. By understanding the reasoning behind some of these beliefs you may be able to try something different. You are, however, very unlikely to change anyone else so I would not try unless they seem genuinely interested.
Cognitive dissonance
This initially seems very similar to the previous point but I am talking about values here (which will be aligned with your personal belief systems). They are very deep seated and form an core part of our identity and are the drivers behind our behaviour.
When we are faced with ideas that challenge our values, we may experience physical discomfort or psychological tension. Responding with “yes, but” allows us to alleviate this discomfort by rationalizing our resistance to change.
A very useful exercise is to gently challenge your beliefs to see if they are as set in stone as you think. Ask yourself, how do I know this is true?’ and ‘if this were not true what might I be able to do?’. For more exercises that might help Identifying and Challenging Core Beliefs.
Lack of openness
It is very rare in my line of work but I do meet individuals who possess a closed mindset, being unwilling to consider alternative viewpoints or perspectives. Responding with “yes, but” can be a way of shutting down discussion and maintaining one’s own beliefs.
Self-preservation
My clients sometimes have a need to protect their self-image and ego. This is even more evident when they have lost a huge chunk of their identity if they have ‘lost’ their jobs. By saying “yes, but,” individuals can maintain a sense of control and protect themselves from feeling inferior or inadequate.
Please remember, this is not someone being aloof or ignoring you. They are doing what helps them feel safe. In my experience they are willing to change after some consideration, especially when given help to gain confidence and pride in themselves and if given a structure or pathway to achieve new goals.
Ego defence mechanisms
Again, following on from the previous point, the ego, according to psychoanalytic theory, employs defence mechanisms to protect itself from threats. “Yes, but” can serve as a defence mechanism like rationalization, protecting one’s ego by justifying their own position or minimizing the significance of alternative views.
We all do this from time to time, it is just healthy if we can catch ourselves responding in this way and allow ourselves to challenge the rationalisation. I wouldn’t mind betting that once you become open to actually considering alternative points of view, you can see where you might be comfortable trying something different.
Lack of empathy
Some individuals may struggle with empathizing with others or understanding different perspectives. Responding with “yes, but” demonstrates a lack of openness and an unwillingness to acknowledge or validate someone else’s viewpoint.
I suspect that if you are reading this, you don’t fall into this category. I have come across very few clients who demonstrate a lack of empathy, however when someone comes in feeling very stressed their thoughts are focused inwards and they may then find it difficult to concern themselves with anyone else’s ideas.
Need for control
OK, hands up those of you who feel the need to double down on control when other areas in your life are unsettled!
As I mentioned change involves uncertainty so if you are someone who has a strong need for control and you find yourself resorting to saying “yes, but”, you may be feeling the need to maintain authority or dominance in a conversation, but equally you may need time to determine how you could control the steps needed to make a change.
It allows you to maintain a sense of ownership and decision-making when discussing how to test your preferred outcome or retain a sense of power. In this instance, rather than a hard ‘no’, try asking ‘how would that work’ and then, if you want to explore further make a plan!
Emotional attachment
People can become emotionally attached to their own ideas, beliefs, or solutions. “Yes, but” serves as a way to hold onto and defend these attachments, even in the face of contradictory evidence or alternative suggestions
This is incredibly powerful and hard to overcome. Just think about the smoker who knows they ‘should’ stop smoking but they enjoy it so much they really don’t want to stop. Of course, this is driven by an addiction which can be behind many things people are emotionally attached to. I know someone who is a runner (she loves it but it is ruining her knees) – is this a form of addiction too?
This seems like a simple issue, but is actually huge and ties in with many of the above points. I think this may well be one of the harder layers to remove because it may be entrenched at a deep psychological level and every attempt to change it seems to tie it down even more tightly.
Finally, this is a tough point to change because it is very difficult to rationalise with your emotions!
From my experience, if you are very self aware and conscious of you negative self-talk or knee-jerk responses, you may well be able to move beyond the ‘yes, but’ and make some serious and brilliant change in your life.
By allowing yourself to consider alternatives you will be able to see and grab hold of opportunities that present themselves to you.
On the other hand, if you know you have some sticking points but don’t seem able to move forward, coaching may well help.
Please feel free to contact me and we can discuss whether we might be able to work together.